Creatures of Habit

Day time. Lunch time. Dinner time. Night time. Times of day... You do not realize how much they affect your life until the patterns of your day change. I find myself thinking of him more oft than not. Yet now I can dinstinctly start to remember times I don't remember him, even if they are few and far between.

But it's during certain times that I find myself searching, remembering and wanting something. Every morning we would start the friendly banter via text. Every day at lunch I would get a phone call from him. I remember being "bothered" sometimes when he called, now I miss it. And the evenings are the most difficult and leave me the weakest... and I go to bed without my nightly phone call. I fall asleep wanting more. I fall asleep and wake back up only to start the time table of waiting all over again.

I pride myself of doing things out of the ordinary. Even though I am Lutheran, I do not need to sit in the same pew each week. I do not need to park in the same area of a parking lot at a favorite store. I even like to mix it up at Starbucks. The barristas, whom I call friends, still can't guess my drink because I switch it so often. I am not a creature of habit.

Then why the stinkbomb do I find myself looking at my phone? It is not miraculously going to ring. We know this. I am the one that gave him that lovely speech on "needing space and time." He's listening. I am not. He went into self-preservation mode. I'm still emotionally reeling and putting myself out there, just waiting for disappointment.

Ya know, God really knows what he's doing. He knows that I am an emotional nut case right now... Hence the lack of really interesting hits on e-harmony. At first I was slightly taken aback and maybe even slightly offended. After evaluation of the lack of my emotional stability and dating, I would say, God - 1, Megan - 0. I am soooo not in that place yet to date. This doesn't mean I will not put myself out there or look super cute when I leave the house. But what it does mean, is that I'll leave that timing up to God and not rush it. Perhaps I need to become a creature of habit with following His (God's) timing and not his (the ex's) timing.